Every once in a while, I get stuck in a rut. This post is from some email correspondence about one of those ruts that my good, good friends Clay Parker and David Nixon helped me get out of a while back. Friends like this don't come along too often, and I cherish them and thank God for putting them in my life. Add Chris Doyle to the mix and I have a "trifecta" of Christian Husbands and Fathers upon which I can lean on in any time of need. It's no mistake that I met all of these men through my wife, Kim! (Reason #2,452,701 to thank God for Kim!)
I discerned whether or not to post this due to the personal nature, but in the end I thought that if these words could encourage just one person who happens upon this little old "tiny E" blog, then it is worth posting.
I guess what it all boils down to for me is that I want to know the root of why I yo-yo between being in Grace and falling from Grace. I know I’m not supposed to look at others and gauge myself by appearances, but I see people who just beam with the Joy of the LORD, and quite frankly, I think I’m jealous or envious of that. To me, before I returned to the LORD around the year 2000, I was happy as a pig wallowing in the mud. Then God came to me and slapped me across the face and said, “Look, Chad, you’re in the mud. This is not my plan for you. Get up, let me wash you off and clean you up.” That made me very happy, and I remained in that happiness for a time, but then I started to remember how much fun it was to wallow in the mud. So, I go and jump back in it. Willfully. What is it about the mud? That’s what I’m searching for. If I could pinpoint the reason why I keep going back to the mud, I think I could really advance in my relationship with the LORD.
Yesterday I had a strange run. I listened to Gregorian Chant the whole time and just contemplated where I am. Then a thought came to me as I was taking note of the wind as I ran. There was a slight breeze blowing yesterday. When you run in a slight breeze, depending on what direction you’re going in, you either feel it or you don’t. In 93 degree heat, ANY breeze is welcome! Running with the wind, you don’t feel it and you get no relief from the heat. Running across it, you get a taste of the breeze and it feels good and makes you want more. Running against it you feel the fullness of the breeze. And I started to think that the breeze is like God. When I am doing His will, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, many times I don’t feel His presence. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I feel closer to God when I have fallen from Grace because that’s when I feel Him the most. That is when I know for a fact that there is nothing I can do to save my soul, only God’s Grace will save me, and I cry out to Him to have mercy and pity on this miserable sinner that I am. I’m like a kid who gets in trouble just so his dad will give him the attention that he needs. I know that none of this is right. I’m not trying to justify my sin by saying “but that’s how I feel God, so it’s ok.” I’m not saying that.
Yesterday I had a strange run. I listened to Gregorian Chant the whole time and just contemplated where I am. Then a thought came to me as I was taking note of the wind as I ran. There was a slight breeze blowing yesterday. When you run in a slight breeze, depending on what direction you’re going in, you either feel it or you don’t. In 93 degree heat, ANY breeze is welcome! Running with the wind, you don’t feel it and you get no relief from the heat. Running across it, you get a taste of the breeze and it feels good and makes you want more. Running against it you feel the fullness of the breeze. And I started to think that the breeze is like God. When I am doing His will, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, many times I don’t feel His presence. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I feel closer to God when I have fallen from Grace because that’s when I feel Him the most. That is when I know for a fact that there is nothing I can do to save my soul, only God’s Grace will save me, and I cry out to Him to have mercy and pity on this miserable sinner that I am. I’m like a kid who gets in trouble just so his dad will give him the attention that he needs. I know that none of this is right. I’m not trying to justify my sin by saying “but that’s how I feel God, so it’s ok.” I’m not saying that.
At the end of the run I sat down and was cooling off and I felt the breeze. Then two passages came to mind:
Be still and know that I am God. –Psalm 45:11
and 3 Kings 19:11-12 where God told Elisha to go on the mountain because He was going to pass by, so he goes and there was a strong wind breaking rocks, but that was not God, then an earthquake, but that was not God, then a fire, but that was not God. Then a quiet whispering breeze and THAT was God.
God is telling me to be still. To stop trying to figure it out.
God is telling me to be still. To stop trying to figure it out.
I'm trying.
1 comment:
Well, thank you for the shout out, and the inspirational post! (Now I suppose I better start living up to your expectations.) I will share with you that often the mud for me is old fashion selfishness. I want to get lost in the Astros, not help with bedtime routine. I want to go on a long run, not sit down and talk to the kids about what they learned that day or push them on the swing and listen to the latest happenings in Dollville. I struggle sometimes with being truly present, and I will seek inspiration from the wind next time I'm wallowing in selfishness. Cheers, Chad. CED
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